


i don't want to admit to something, if all it's gonna cause is pain

by mmxii



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, SKAM Secret Santa, also a hint of Sana/Yousef, background Eva/Noora btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 06:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13207908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmxii/pseuds/mmxii
Summary: Isak knew from the moment he said yes that having Eva join his and Sana’s study session might not have been a great idea.or, isak says the wrong thing at the wrong time, which leads to unexpected consequences.





	i don't want to admit to something, if all it's gonna cause is pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [janesargnt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/janesargnt/gifts).



> ((i posted this like 15 min ago but then i found a mistake and panicked so i deleted it, but here it is again sorry))
> 
> this is my skam secret santa gift for [megan](http://valtermeme.tumblr.com)!! ♥ 
> 
> ok so i just wanna say that this isnt what i initially planned to write, but in the end i think it turned out better than my first idea so whatever lmao. however im still not completely happy with it so im sorry this isnt very good but i tried my best ok sorry!!
> 
> anyways i hope u still like it??? ahhh shit im really fucking nervous about this ok BYE
> 
> title from ‘river’ by eminem (ft. ed sheeran), because i listened to it for a whole day straight while finishing this fic

****Isak knew from the moment he said yes that having Eva join his and Sana’s study session might not have been a great idea.

 

Eva _has_ been focusing more on school lately, since this is their final year and all, but considering it wasn’t a big priority for her to begin with, _more_ doesn’t actually mean _a lot_. Which, in this case, is resulting in her spending their study time rambling on about her love life instead of actually studying.

 

“So, we made pizza!” she tells them now, her words mostly falling on deaf ears as Isak and Sana both have their noses pretty much buried in their notes. “And we might have gone a bit overboard with the toppings but, well. It was still really good.”

 

But since the Bakkoush kitchen is quiet other than the occasional typing Sana does on her laptop, it’s hard to block Eva’s voice out completely.

 

“Should’ve skipped the mushrooms, though,” Isak mumbles distractedly, flipping through the loose pieces of papers he’s collected in the back of his notepad, using it as a makeshift folder. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work as well as a real one, and the one paper he needs is the one that’s probably used the lack of a proper bottom to escape.

 

“What?” Eva asks.

 

Isak looks up, switching his focus to her for a moment. “Uh, I had some for breakfast.”

 

Eva grins proudly at him. “It was good, right?”

 

”Yeah. Noora did a good job,” Isak says, picking up his backpack, hoping the paper might have ended up in there. The hit Eva directs at his arm almost makes him drop it back to the floor.

 

“Hey! I helped too,” she insists.

 

“Sure.” Isak digs deeper into the depths of his backpack, without any success. “Sana, which pages were we supposed to read for the Norwegian assignment?”

 

Sana frowns at him over the top of her computer. “Didn’t I already give them to you?”

 

“Yeah, but I lost them,” he says, and Sana sends him a look of disapproval. “ _Please_ , Sana.”

 

She keeps looking at him for another moment, before letting out a sigh. “Fine. Hold on,” she says, starting to look through her own pile of notes covering her side of the table.

 

“Next time you’re not getting any,” Eva declares when a silence falls over them again, and it takes Isak a moment to remember what they were talking about.

 

“How would you even stop me if the food is at my place?”

 

Eva shrugs. “I guess I just won’t leave any for you to eat.”

 

“Rude.”

 

Eva just laughs at him. “Anyway, _we_ made pizza and then we put on a movie. I can’t remember what it was called, though. I didn’t really pay attention to that part, or like, most of the movie, to be honest. But I mean, how could I when she was sitting right next to me, so close I swear I was getting dizzy, and-” Eva keeps talking but that’s the point where Isak tunes her out, because Sana waves a sheet of paper in front of his eyes, his attention fully returning to school again as he starts to make his way through the list of page numbers.

 

Eva’s voice is a steady background noise for a while as Isak reads, only broken once when Sana tells them she needs to go get a book she left in her room. It’s fine at first, but it doesn’t take long before Isak reaches a limit after having to reread the same sentence at least ten times and still not understanding a word.

 

“Okay, okay, _Eva_ ,” he interrupts, efficiently putting a stop to her monologue. “That’s all great and I’m happy for you and all that, but can you please be quiet for a bit? I can’t focus.”

 

“You’re no fun,” Eva pouts, but she doesn’t say anything else, so Isak jots that down as a win.

 

It lasts for a whole ten seconds before she starts talking again.

 

“When was the last time _you_ were on a date?” she asks, and Isak blinks at her in surprise.

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

Eva furrows her brows as she looks at him, deep in thought. “Have you actually ever been on one?”

 

“Of course I have!” Isak lies, because he doesn’t want to risk Eva starting another rant, this time about all he’s missing out on, or whatever. Or worse: Eva setting him up on a date so he can find out for himself.

 

“When?”

 

“Not that long ago,” he shrugs. “I don’t know, a few weeks maybe,” he adds when Eva doesn’t seem satisfied with his first answer.

 

“Really? With who?”

 

“Just a guy I met at a party,” Isak says, his brain immediately, and involuntarily, providing him with memories of that guy he _did_ meet at a party, the one he _keeps_ meeting at parties and who keeps sort-of-maybe flirting with Isak every time they see each other. That one guy he wouldn’t mind going on an actual date with but who he’s too scared to ask out.

 

Isak picks up his book to make another attempt at getting through the next paragraph, hoping Eva would leave it at that. He really should’ve known better.

 

“So, are you two like, dating now?” she asks, and Isak drops the book to the table with a bang.

 

“ _What?_ No. It was just one date.”

 

“Why?”

 

Isak groans. “I don’t know, Eva. It just didn’t work out.”

 

“Okay,” Eva mumbles, and Isak goes back to reading. He gets through two more sentences, then he’s interrupted again.

 

“What’s his name?”

 

“ _Eva!_ ”

 

Eva either ignores or doesn’t hear the frustration in his voice, because she just leans over the table, pulling on Isak’s arm. “Come on, Isak. Just a name,” she pleads, lips forming into a pout. “Then I’ll be quiet. I promise,” she offers, and that’s why Isak agrees. He needs to finish this assignment, and he can’t do it with her constantly distracting him.

 

“Fine,” Isak sighs, and he’s tired, okay, and his brain has trouble focusing on the right thing at the moment. He puts full blame on the cooperation between those two facts for the next words out of his mouth. “It’s Even.”

 

And yeah, Isak _really_ needs to think before he speaks.

 

Apparently his mind is so caught up on that guy that it can’t separate that truth from this lie, ending up mixing them together by giving Eva the real name in a fake scenario.

 

One could argue that a mistake had already been made the moment Isak lied about being on a date in the first place, but see, at that point the lie could still work out. This, however, is when he crosses a line. Admittedly, it might have worked out at least somewhat successfully after this too, had nothing else been added into the equation. But it doesn’t, because Sana chooses that exact moment to return to the kitchen, catching the last part of the conversation.

 

“Who’s Even?” she asks as she takes a seat at the table again, putting down a pile of books in front of herself.

 

“No one!” Isak answers at the same time as Eva says “A guy Isak dated.”

 

“Eva!” Isak exclaims, but she just smiles innocently at him.

 

Sana, unfortunately, seems to listen to Eva, because she’s giving Isak a look of disbelief. “ _What?_ ”

 

“Nothing!” Isak insists, then tries to change the subject. “Did you find the one you were looking for?” he asks, pointing to the books she had brought with her.

 

Sana completely ignores Isak’s question. “Even who?”

 

Isak frowns. “What does it matter?”

 

“I doesn’t,” Sana says, starting to flip through the pages of the book at the top of her pile. “Or, I mean, I just know someone named Even.”

 

“Good for you.”

 

“I thought maybe it was him,” Sana continues casually as she changes the page. “It would explain some things,” she adds before moving her hands to her laptop instead, writing something down while she casts occasional glances at her book.

 

Isak stops where he’s about to continue through his own book. “What are you talking about?”

 

“Even Bech Næsheim?” she asks, sounding impatient, as if Isak is missing half the conversation. Which, to be completely honest, doesn’t seem that far off at the moment.

 

Especially not since the name that just came out of Sana’s mouth is the same name as the person Isak has been subconsciously thinking about since the start of this unnecessary lie.

 

“ _You know him?_ ”

 

Sana rolls her eyes. “Yeah, I know him. He’s friends with my brother, they hang out here all the time.”

 

She barely has time to finish her sentence before the front door opens and Isak is abruptly hit with the feeling like he’s about to pass out. The seconds it takes between the sound of the door closing and the person causing the noise to enter the kitchen is filled with approaching footsteps which make Isak’s heartbeat increase by every single one.

 

It doesn’t get back to normal until a while after Elias and Yousef leave them alone again, which is not until they’ve grabbed something to eat and Elias has convinced Sana to give him a high five, the determining factor being a threat about not leaving until she complies.

 

Isak looks out the window as he tries to get his thoughts back on track. Taking a deep breath, he watches the snowflakes as they slowly fall, getting closer and closer to the end of their existence when they eventually hit the too warm sidewalk outside, and a part of him can’t help but wish he could be one of them. If only as a way to prevent any embarrassing consequences for his stupid lie.

 

He hears how Eva asks Sana something about Yousef, sees how Sana’s cheeks turn the tiniest shade darker, but he can’t join them, can’t stop thinking about the last five minutes and how there’s a feeling of inevitable doom surrounding him now.

 

This is just not going to end well.

 

+

 

It’s another week and a half before he sees Even again, and to no one’s surprise, it’s at another party.

 

The house is full by the time Isak arrives with Eva and Noora in tow. The girls leave him almost immediately after getting rid of their jackets, their excuse something about catching sight of a friend in the mass of people. Or at least that’s what Isak guesses they said, the volume of their voices not quite enough to be properly heard over the sounds of the party. The moment they leave, he’s alone with his thoughts, feeling a wave of anxiety threatening to creep into his mind, and Isak is not about to let that take over, and possibly ruin, his night. So, he starts making his way through the house to look for a distraction. Or alcohol.

 

What he finds is both.

 

Isak has just grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and as soon as he closes the door, his eyes are drawn to the one person who is simultaneously the last and only one he wants to meet right now. Standing on the other side of the kitchen, leaning casually against a wall as he talks to someone Isak doesn’t know, is Even. He hasn’t seen Isak yet, and half of Isak wants to turn around, pretend like he didn’t see him at all.

 

He’s been anxious about his next inevitable meeting with Even ever since his stupid brain made that slip-up, nerves running high and his mind pestering him with endless ways it can end in disaster. Because what if Even somehow _knows_ now? What if Sana told him, or what if Isak’s memory isn’t as reliable as it should be, isn’t replaying the scene right, and Elias and Yousef actually came home earlier and heard parts of their conversation, and Even found out through them? And while he knows the probability of either of those scenarios being true is close to zero, he still can’t stop the thoughts pushing their way forward, telling him _but what if you’re wrong?_

 

If Even knows, Isak can’t see how things could possibly work out in his favour.

 

(Because when do they ever?)

 

However, there seems to be some miscommunication between his thoughts and nervous system, resulting in the wrong signals being sent out, because before he knows it, he’s crossing the kitchen, not stopping until he’s right next to Even.

 

“You know Sana?” Isak blurts out, his brain still not running on its usual speed, apparent by the way it seems to consider that to be a normal way to start a conversation.

 

“Hi!” Even grins as he turns to face him, and it sets of an automatic reaction in Isak, his own lips forming into a smile as well. It lasts for a few seconds before he remembers the fact that he had asked a question, one which he hasn’t received an answer to yet. Raising his eyebrows pointedly, he just looks at Even, waiting him out.

 

“Of course I know Sana,” Even says, the smile still lighting up his face for a moment, until it suddenly slips off, his expression shifting into one full of confusion. “Wait, _you_ know Sana?”

 

“She’s my friend. And we have some classes together at school.”

 

Even nods. “Cool.”

 

“No, it’s n- or well, yeah, it’s _great_ , but I mean-,” Isak lets out a tired sigh, effectively cutting off his own rambling. Thankfully. He glances down to the floor, studies the striped pattern of the rug beneath him while he tries to collect his thoughts. “I just can’t believe you know her.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don’t know,” Isak admits. Because he doesn’t. Doesn’t even know why he brought it up in the first place. “I just really didn’t see that coming.”

 

“Okay.” Even drags the word out slightly, making it sound more like a question. A question Isak doesn’t want to answer. So he doesn’t, happy to leave that subject behind them, preferably forever.

 

A silence falls between them then, one that takes up all remaining space, drains the room of air, and it’s almost too much, but Isak still wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. The next few seconds drag out, and they do nothing but look at each other, Isak trying to take in as much as possible without being too obvious. Without revealing things he’s not ready to talk about.

 

Even breaks the moment by continuing their conversation, and just like that it’s like everything was only put on pause for a while, the play button now suddenly pressed down again, pushing them back on track. The track that Isak knows will lead them straight to a place of no return.

 

“Why are you talking about Sana all of a sudden?”

 

Isak groans, beyond _done_ with this conversation, but more than that, he’s frustrated with himself for letting it get this far, letting his thoughts get to this point. For being stupid enough to put himself in the situation at all. But it’s too late now, so he might as well keep going. “Because I told her something stupid and now she _knows_ you and it’s making things weird.”

 

“Told her what?” Even asks, and _nope_. There’s no way Isak is getting into more detail than that, so he opens his beer and brings it up to his lips, drinking half of it in one go to avoid having to reply. When he stops to breathe, Even asks another question. “Were you talking about me?”

 

This one is easier to answer with a lie. So he does.

 

“ _No._ ”

 

Even just smirks at him. “What did you say?”

 

“Nothing!”

 

Even hums, the way he does it indicating he doesn’t believe that at all. Which, sure, it _was_ a lie. But still. He could at least pretend to believe it. That’s the nice thing to do.

 

“It was nothing, okay?” Isak continues, trying to put an end to this, once and for all. “Can we drop it, please?”

 

“Okay, fine.” Even pauses, sends him another smirk. “You can tell me some other time.”

 

Isak shakes his head at him, because _yeah, no way that’s ever happening_. Even just smiles at him, and if Isak looks at him for much longer he’s going to do something stupid, so he takes another sip of his beer, closing his eyes to get at least a few seconds of a break from the world. To get his thoughts back on track. To, preferably, also get his chill back.

 

Too bad he didn’t really have any around Even to begin with.

 

“So,” Isak starts, deciding a change of subject is much needed by now. “What have you been up to lately?”

 

Even brings his left hand up to glance down at the watch wrapped around his wrist. “How much time do you have?”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, it’s been, like, _eleven days_. That’s a very long time, you know,” Even says, making Isak’s brain go straight to over-analyzing things, because _Even counted the days?_ His mind starts providing him with reasons why, but they seem more and more implausible the longer he goes on, none of them making much sense at all. So instead of trying to figure it out, he just rolls his eyes at Even instead.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“No, but seriously. I could’ve accomplished a lot of things since the last time I saw you.”

 

Isak raises an eyebrow. “Did you?”

 

“Well, obviously not. Just school and work. Trying not to drown in all the assignments I need to hand in before winter break.” He pauses a moment, then smirks at Isak as he continues. “Having slightly confusing conversations about Sana at parties. You know, the usual.”

 

Isak snorts, trying, but most likely failing, to hide a smile. “Yeah? That happen to you a lot, does it?” he asks, making Even laugh.

 

“Nah, just the once,” he says, sending a sad attempt at a wink in Isak direction. Despite the bad execution of it, it still manages to affect Isak more than what should be possible. Isak shakes his head at him, hoping it’s too dark in here for the blush he’s sure is covering his cheeks by now to be visible.

 

“What about you?” Even continues. “How’s school going?”

 

Isak rolls his eyes at him again. “You sound like my mom.”

 

(And while the way he says it makes it sound a bit annoyed, that isn’t equivalent to his actual feelings at all. There was a time when his mom asking him about his grades was the last thing on his mind, the last thing he ever thought he would have. When it was just part of a boy’s wish of a normal life. To have it be a real occurence now, to have his mom feeling well enough to ask, means more than he can explain in words.)

 

Even lets out a small laugh. “You still getting sixes in biology?” he asks, making Isak frown at him.

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“You told me,” Even says with a shrug, and Isak’s confusion is apparently still showing on his face, because Even is quick to elaborate. “At a party a while back.”

 

Isak groans at that, closing his eyes in slight embarrassment. “Fuck, I tend to talk too much sometimes when I’m drunk. Sorry.”

 

“Hey. You don’t have to apologize,” Even says, reaching over to nudge Isak’s shoulder, making him open his eyes again. “You’re really smart. People should know that.”

 

“There’s a difference between people knowing and me going around bragging about my grades, though.”

 

“You weren’t _bragging_. You were more like... _excited_ about it. It was cute.”

 

As it turns out, all Isak’s hope of hiding a blush was pointless, because even if he did manage to keep it a secret before thanks to the dim lighting, that comment turns it up to full force, and he’s sure it’s visible from the other side of the kitchen. He doesn’t even want to know how easily Even can notice it across the few feet that separate them.

 

“Cute, sure,” Isak mumbles, glancing down at the floor again.

 

The only part of Even still in his field of vision is his knees down, but Isak doesn’t need more than that to see him take a step closer. Although, Isak is sure he would’ve known about it even if his eyes had been fully shut, because the closer Even gets, the harder it is to breathe.

 

And right now, he’s almost forgotten how to do it.

 

“What? It was.”

 

Now, see, there’s nothing surprising about this, about any of it. This is how it usually goes; the both of them attending the same party, finding each other in the sea of people, then spending the majority of the time talking. And Even always say things, does things, that Isak suspects might be flirting, and Isak tries to subtly flirt back, with varying levels of success.

 

So, while this isn’t a new thing at all, there’s something about it that feels _off_ , somehow.

 

Isak doesn’t know what makes him do what he does next, but he guesses it’s a combination of too many things pointing in the same direction.

 

It’s the fact that while Even always sounds like he really means the things he says, as if every move is planned out, it feels like the intention is even stronger now than it ever was before. It’s the fact that Isak has already come this far. He’s already said too much, risked too much, and the possibility of Even finding out about his lie is still not out of the question.

 

And, finally, it’s the fact that they’re at a party, and Isak could just write it off as a drunken mistake later if this all goes wrong, even though he isn’t close to being drunk, hasn’t even finished his first beer yet.

 

Isak quickly scans the kitchen, and they’re not alone in here, but no one else is too close -- that stranger Even was talking to earlier having disappeared, probably as soon as Isak came up to them, he didn’t really pay attention to that half. Not that it would matter much either way at this point.

 

Taking a step forward, Isak reduces the remaining distance between them enough that he has to tilt his head slightly upwards to look Even in the eyes. Even is already looking at him, keeping the eye contact for a moment before he glances down, just for a second, but that’s it.

 

It’s the last push Isak needs. He brings a hand up to Even’s neck, pulling him closer, his fingers sliding through soft strands of hair, and he barely even realises he has moved before he can feel their lips meet in the middle. Then they’re back on pause. Or maybe it’s fast forward, it’s hard to tell. Isak loses track of time for a while, putting all his focus on the kiss, on _Even_ , and by the time they break apart for air, Even’s arms are wrapped around his waist and Isak isn’t sure he would still be upright if they weren’t.

 

The smile on Even’s face is the best thing Isak has ever seen, and he could easily spend the rest of the night doing nothing but admiring it. As it is, he only gets about three seconds before someone clears their throat behind him.

 

“Isak.”

 

Isak turns around, reluctantly, to find Eva standing there, smirking at him.

 

“Uh, hi?”

 

Eva nods in Even’s direction. “Who’s this?”

 

Isak looks at Even, who has let go of Isak’s waist by now, much to Isak’s disappointment. “Oh. Even. Even, this is Eva,” he says, gesturing between them.

 

“Hi,” Even says, taking a step forward to shake Eva’s hand. Eva grabs it, although a bit distractedly, her eyes widening slightly at the information.

 

“You’re Even?”

 

“Yeah?” Even steps back, sliding his hand into Isak’s, giving it a light squeeze, and Isak lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

 

“Huh.” Eva seems to get lost in thought for a while, before giving a small shake of her head and meeting Isak’s eyes. “Well, I was just gonna ask if you wanted to hang out with me and Noora, but it looks like you’re busy so... I’ll just see you later?”

 

Isak nods. “Yeah.”

 

Eva gives them a kind of half-wave, then turns around to leave, only to stop after no more than a couple of steps, turning back to face them again.

 

“Isak?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

She looks at him for a moment, a smile spreading over her face. “I have a feeling it might work out after all.”

 

Isak laughs, then watches her walk out of the kitchen. When she’s gone, he faces Even again, and can’t help tilting his head up to press a soft kiss to his lips, their hands still grasped tightly together between them.

 

_Yeah,_ Isak thinks, _maybe it will_.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! ♥♥♥
> 
> [come say hi](http://isakissyvaltersen.tumblr.com) if u want


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